questions and Answers about Child Behaviors
Dr. Walter Guevara

The following is a compilation of common questions about behavior problems in children compiled by our Advisory Board Member Dr. Walter Guevara. Dr. Guevara is a retired Child Psychiatrist who worked throughout the Metro Detroit area, including the Children’s Home of Detroit, and now gives his time generously to community organizations such as Renewal Center.

Here are some common questions about behavior problems in children:

Why are some children disobedient?
There are a variety of reasons why children act disobediently, including:

1. Unrealistic expectations of parents
2. Temperament of the child
3. School problems
4. Family stress
5. Conflicts between parents

Through his behavior, a child may be trying to communicate messages. ("That's too hard for me," I'm afraid of failure," "I need you," etc.). In many situations, a child is really seeking attention from his parents. He learns what kinds of behavior will get him this attention, whether it is positive or negative.

What strategies can I use to help my child be well behaved?

1. Begin laying the groundwork for good behavior from the time your child is born;
2. Set firm, consistent limits to help the child understand what you expect;
3. Make sure every person who cares for the child agrees on the rules the child is expected to observe;
4. When a rule is broken, reprimand the child immediately so he understands exactly what he has done wrong;
5. Help your child find ways to handle his anger without resorting to violence (say no in a firm voice, find compromises).
   Encourage the child to express his feelings through words;
6. Control your own temper to teach your child nonviolence;
7. If punishment is needed, do not feel guilty and more importantly do not apologize. This could send mixed messages to the child.
8. Remember that telling your child how to behave is important but demonstrating by example is the most effective.

What is the difference between discipline and punishment?

Discipline:

1. includes praise and instruction for the child on how to control his behavior;
2. shows children positive alternatives and an opportunity to see how their actions affect others;
3. teaches children to share and cooperate, to learn to handle their anger and to feel successful and in control of themselves;
4. teaches children to live in a safe, civilized and harmonious manner with themselves and others;
5. should take place all the time, not just when children misbehave.

Punishment:

1. is negative;
2. is an unpleasant consequence for misbehavior;
3. only teaches children what not to do;
4. controls children through fear and threats.

What are some tips for effectively disciplining my child?

1. Be aware of your child's abilities and limitations. Children develop at different rates and have different strengths and weaknesses.
2. Remember that children do what "works."
3. Avoid reinforcing the wrong kinds of behavior, even by just giving it your attention.
4. Work towards consistency.
5. Try to make sure that your goals, rules and approaches to discipline stay the same from day to day. Children find frequent changes confusing and may resort to testing limits just to find out what the limits are.
6. Think before you speak and pay attention to your child's feelings.If you can figure out why your child is misbehaving, you are one step closer to solving the problem. Let your child know that you understand him.
7. Learn to see mistakes - including your own - as opportunities to grow. If you do not handle a situation well the first time, don't despair. Figure out what you could have done differently, and do it the next time.

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